need a dating post

There are many free online dating website which get lot of interest. This really is regarded as a great diversion to someone, who is bound to hectic jobs of recent morning existence. These free dating sites are usually advantageous in lots of elements.

It is the nearly all lucrative advantages. Most free dating website are generally free to register with regard to individuals belonging for you to any nation. It is going beyond almost all geographic restrictions. A college student or a business entrepreneur, you can now join, without needing to invest any charge. However, paid out dating websites need someone to belong to a particular region or even nation or perhaps specific school, to get registered along with.

Life Quotes And Sayings

Books filled with life quotes and sayings line the cabinets of book shops in the united states. Calendars along with cards display over-used words, similar to "Dream Big" and also "Reach for the Stars" for you to encourage people that eventually go by in the dermatologist's place of work as well as firm work area. It will be not possible to estimate how much money has been used on different physical objects having your saying, "A Penny Saved can be a Dime Earned.Inch

Life quotes and sayings regarding well-known experts and spiritual as well as governmental market leaders is found with the plenty along with any kind of on-line search engine. But why these kinds of rates along with sayings extremely important for you to society that they can wish to display these people in plus each possible type of mass media? Possibly these kinds of life quotes and sayings tend to be just what members of society try to live up to. Whether they can be viewed and focus on a daily basis, probably the knowledge that they impart will likely be imparted to the lives of those people who put them on displayed on his or her t-shirts or perhaps you can keep them covered on their bumper.

Every single way of life seems to have its own estimates and phrases that may remain estimated through each and every making it age group, leaving the musical legacy, as we say. The particular Russians have writer, Anton Chekhov's lifestyle offer, "Any fool can easily face a crisis-it's daily residing that will dons you out," whilst American's have Ron Waldo Emerson, that mentioned "It is just not period of lifestyle, but degree of lifestyle.Inches The Scottish folks have David Michael. Barrie, which said "Life can be a extended lesson in meekness,Inch as the Italians possess Leonardo idet Vinci's existence quote: "Life spent well is long.Inch

Life quotes and sayings will still be a motivation to folks coming from all nations and ethnicity, equally as they've been for a great number of ages in the past.

Yoga Positions Vs Liquor Positions

As per an unconfirmed research it is known that drinking liquor gives you the same benefits which doing Yoga does, enjoy the yoga positions vs liquor positions (drunk positions)

Marjayasana Yoga Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

Dolphin Yoga Position for shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms

Halasana Yoga Position for back pain and insomnia.

Malasana Yoga Position for ankles and back muscles.

Salambhasana Yoga Position stimulates the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Savasana Yoga Position for total relaxation.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana Yoga Position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Balasana Yoga Position brings sensation of peace and calm. 

oldhag

oldhag

Random Funny Jokes

After Accident

A hunter was out enjoying a nice morning in the woods when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Chicago Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes!"

Google Translate Beat Box

Go to Google Translate http://translate.google.com ; Copy this text:

pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk bschk pv bschk bschk pv kkkkkkkkkk bschk bschk bschk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk bschk pv bschk bschk pv kkkkkkkkkk bschk bschk bschk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk bschk pv bschk bschk pv kkkkkkkkkk bschk bschk bschk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk bschk pv bschk bschk pv kkkkkkkkkk bschk bschk bschk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk pv zk bschk pv zk pv bschk zk bschk pv bschk bschk pv kkkkkkkkkk bschk bschk bschk

Pick German as the 'from" language; Press the "Listen"-button

Sweet

A school teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
" Orange ........orange."
Finally he gave them all honey Polos. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're a??e-holes!!"

Madonna Age Issues

Madonna has slammed journalists who mention her age in articles, alleging that this practice makes her appear "not that relevant".

According to a Hollywood fashion magazine the 53-year-old singer says that she has always noticed her age mentioned whenever something is written about her.

 "Whenever someone writes anything about me, my age is right after name," an entertainment tabloid quoted Madonna as saying.

"It is almost like they are saying, "Here Madonna is, but remember, She is this age, so she is not that relevant anymore," Madonna added.

How Do Girls Download Video Clips From Internet ?

Ever wonder, How Do Girls Download Video Clips From Internet ? If you have not, better know it by looking at the photo below ..
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How I got Slapped

Yesterday afternoon I was walking and holding hands with my girlfriend. I let go of her hand to get my IPhone and take this picture. She immediately slapped me in the face and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day. But let's be honest.... Its not everyday you see a dog driving a car down the street !!

Very Short Funny Jokes

Chill and enjoy the very short funny jokes on itshumour.blogspot.com
Mafia Boss and his deaf book keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.

Naughty Answers

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Got some more funny jokes on http://itshumour.blogspot.com/2011/07/funny-marriage-jokes.html

Texting Codes For Senior Citizens

Texting codes for senior citizens is bit different than what we teens have been using texting codes like LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc. Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids)  Finally senior citizens can  have their own texting codes!  Glad you senior citizens will use these texting codes extensively ....

Texting Codes for Senior Citizens as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth  [this one is very hilarious]

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WATP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!


If you guys come up with some more texting codes which can help our senior citizens text their loved ones, feel free to comment on this post so that i can continuously update this post.

Busty Girl Problems

The following pictures illustrates the problem of girls who have busty b-r-e-a-s-t-s. I guess the first girl you could think of is "Pamela Anderson" when we say "Busty Girl"

The problem of built-in bra

The problem of motorboat proposition

The problem of Ruffles

The problem of Spillage

The problem of Staircase

The problem of Suspenders

The problem of Dish washing

The problem of seat belt

The problem of Shoulder Straps

The problem of Surprise stain

The problem of Airplane turbulence 

The problem of Counter Dilemma 

Pain of Man Vs Women

Pain of Man Vs Women illustrated below

Moments of Senior Citizens

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns..'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Short Funny Attorney Jokes

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away
some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my br easts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to
him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that's when I shot
the son of a bitch!

================================================
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”
The foreman answered, “Insanity.”
The D.A. said, “All twelve of you???”

================================================
“I have good news and bad news,” a defense attorney told his client. “First, the bad news.
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the
victim's dress.”
“Oh, no - I'm ruined!”" cried the client. “What's the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 140!”

In the school

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Walker, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Johnson, what's your problem?'
Johnson answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should?be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Walker had had enough. She took Johnson to the principal's office.

While Johnson waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Walker he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st
grade and behave. She agreed.

Johnson was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Johnson: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Johnson: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.
The principal looks at Ms. Walker and tells her, 'I think Johnson can go to the
3rd grade.'

Ms. Walker says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Johnson both agreed.

Ms. Walker asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Johnson, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Walker: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Johnson replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Walker: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Johnson: 'Pants..'
Ms. Walker: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Johnson: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Walker: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnson replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Walker: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Johnson: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Walker: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?'
Johnson: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Johnson in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

April Fools Joke or Prank

My mother lives 10 minutes from me and i drove to her house well she was at work went in and cut the power to her house by simply turning off the breakers..
Mom got home from work and instead of checking the breaker box she calls penalec..
3 hours later they show up test her lines and everything saying power is coming into the house and the guy checks the breaker box.. he said ma'am your breakers were all turned off..

So he simply flipped them back on and gave my mother a slip of paper.. This paper stated "40 dollar truck charge." I call my mom and found out what happened and I told her April Fools.. She tells me about the slip of paper with the ammount need to pay for it.. I felt bad went over and gave her the 40 dollars and she takes it and looks at me and says april fools and slams the door in my face!

:)

I told my mate that I was going to be a daddy (I'm 17) and she believed me till i said 'APRIL FOOLS' like 4hrz later. wbu wbb?

Mega Millions Lotto Numbers Anounced

We all are excited to win the mega millions lottery,  as all of US residents are looking to grab that big chunk of money..

The winning numbers for the $640 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot, the first-largest prize in the game's history, Lotto Numbers that won$640 million are 2-4-23-38-46, Mega Ball 23, but so for winners haven't come yet, officials said as per http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57407405/winning-mega-millions-numbers-announced/

Mega Millions drawings are held Tuesdays and Fridays at 11 p.m. ET and Friday night's drawing took place in Atlanta.

The odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were estimated at about 1 in 176 million, according to lottery officials.

The largest Mega Millions jackpot ever won was $390 million in March 2007, according to Mega Millions.

The winner is selected through five balls drawn from a set of balls numbered one through 56, and one ball is drawn from a set numbered one through 46.

While there are nine ways to win a prize, starting from $2, ticket buyers across the country have their eyes on the $640 million jackpot, which has been growing since Jan. 24. That's when Mega Millions had its most recent jackpot winner, Marcia Adams, 33, from Georgia. She won $72 million and chose the cash option of $52 million.

The odds of winning any of the Mega Millions prizes are approximately 1 in 40.

The estimated jackpot is based on national sales up to the time of the drawing. In the last drawing, in which there was no jackpot winner, almost 2.9 million tickets won Mega Millions prizes.

Anyone Else Buy A Ticket? I Won $30 :)

Hunger Games Comic

Just recently released movie "Hunger Games" is popular and somebody has come up with the comic..

Faces of non animated objects

Faces of non-animated objects

Blondes have more fun

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke ?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.’



I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes
To the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to Bugger off!! Anybody who fits into my old clothes isn't starving!!




My girlfriend is always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back.
I said "it ain't my fault you are in a wheelchair"

Short and Funny David Cameron Joke

Time Machine

David Cameron goes to a science exhibition and is shown a time machine
which can see 100 years into the future.
The man in charge invites him to ask any question he likes.
Cameron asks
"What will Australia be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives a printout,
which the man reads:
"The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, and the economy is healthy. There are no
worries.
"He has another go
"What will China be like in 100 years time?"
Another print out:
"The country is the world's leading economy and everyone there enjoys the
highest standard of living in the world"
Cameron then asks
"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action. The man gets a printout,
but he's just stares at it.
"Come on," says Cameron "What does it say?"..................



The man replies, "Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"


And the fun loving Irish joke

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub
on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick,
took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just
barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused,Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were
born in August, ya f***in eejit"

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Daylight Savings Time funny cartoons pics

Enjoy daylight savings time funny cartoons pics

Cool Funny Sayings and Quotes

Kindly enjoy cool funny sayings and quotes ..

Hope is a good thing - maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies

You can't deny laughter, when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. -Stephen King

Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman - Anonymous

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know i am hilarious. - Anonymous

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Its just that yours is stupid.

When i am reading book and someone asks what i am reading, i never answer them. I just hold up the cover for them. - Anonymous

I would retaliate against your snotty remarks, but since you resemble a garden gnome, i would say the joke is on you.

If you're not good santa doesn't bring you many presents. Like, if you kill someone - that's pretty bad. Then you only get a yayo.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.. but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, Man, that was fun.

A guy make s a woman come, it is a talent.. A woman makes a guy come, its a standard.

I am not telling you its going to be easy, i am telling you its going to be worth it.

Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

Dependant yes, But also deductible.

Its all good except for poo poo. (Kids sayings) - Delia

Smile don’t frown Look up don’t look down Believe in yourself Don’t let yourself go Just be who you are And let your live flow.

I’m not a fighter. I usually smile and then go into my room and cry my eyes out.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A smile confuses an approaching frown.

You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

If you’re not using your smile, you’re like a man with a million dollars in the bank and no checkbook.

Even if I am in a bad mood I have to smile and be nice to the fans.

A smile is a language that even a baby understands.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

For some more funny quotes ....

Mystery of Cow Economics

The World explained through Cow Economics

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ANGLO-IRISH BANK (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Where is the supplies

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...











'SUPPLIES!!' (SURPRISE)

Beer Careful Guys

University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.

2) Talked excessively without making sense.

3) became overly emotional.

4) Couldn't drive.

5) Failed to think rationally.

6) Argued over nothing.

7) Had to sit down while urinating.

8)refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


No further testing was considered necessary.

African Roulette

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

What Men mean to say

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick
in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational
thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner
already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Means:
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means:
"I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that
redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO
HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still
talking?"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you
catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"YES, I LOVE YOUR SPINACH CASSEROLE." Means: "Real
men love beer and boobs. Why can't you understand that?"

Best of Darwinism

Best of Darwinism

The human race is doomed. In case you needed further proof that part of the human race is doomed, here are some instructions from labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
- Do not use while sleeping.

On a a bag of Fritos:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
- Directions: Use like regular soap.

On Swan frozen dinners:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
- Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on bottom of box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
- Product will be hot after heating.

On package for a Rowenta Iron:
- Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
- Do not drive a car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
- Warning: May cause drowsiness!

On a Korean kitchen knife:
- Warning: Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
- For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
- Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Funny Indian Sardar Jokes

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know
start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand,
oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head.
Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India
Radio! '

In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .......
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

Lie detector robot

A Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school (robot slaps son)

Son: Okay I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)

Son: Okay I was watching p o r n.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what p o r n was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: hahahahaha! after all he is your Son!(robot slaps Mom)
roflmao........

For some more  short funny jokes

Wine taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It's red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who is the father!"

Whitney Houston Jokes

RIP, Whitney Houston. This is no offense, just came up with some jokes on Whitney Houston. Dear Whitney Houston fans, please do not take the jokes below seriously. It's just meant for entertainment purpose.

Looks like Whitney Houston is cool again now that she's just made the transition from mainstream to the underground.

Whitney Houston's life is like skiing.
Once you get on the white powder, it's all down hill from there

Whitney Houston ended her life the same way she ended her songs.
On a high note.

A suicide note, supposedly by Whitney Houston, is now doing the rounds on the Internet.
Obviously a fake. Everyone knows black people can't write.

Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.
It's called WiiHab.

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. The Body bag.

First Amy Winehouse, now Whitney Houston, Columbia has a tough financial year ahead.

TMZ is reporting that Whitney Houston has officially quit using drugs.

I bet they didnt need to draw any white lines around Whitney Houston's body.

Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney", not "Whitney".

When Michael Jackson died all that was on the radio was Michael Jackson songs. When Whitney Houston died all you could hear was Whitney Houston songs. I just hope Justin Bieber Never Dies

Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad

Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath.

Houston leaves fortune with people who loved her.
Mexican drugs cartels.

why planning is essential

One Night 4 college students were playing football till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt.They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of only 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

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Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........ (2 MARKS)


Q.2. which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left

b) Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right.....!! !

Evolution of Men and Women

And the difference between Boy and Girl is below 

Valentines day punchline

Ibibili income jacket.
Because you might drown in my love.

Crayola you?
Given because of the color in my life.

Can income be sidecar?
Single because I eh.

I have an exam.
So answer me.

My love for you is like LBM.
The hard to resist.

Minama my heart again ...
How do because, always sinisigaw name.

Papicture Hey!
Be developed for us!


If you have balls and I'm the player, you mashushoot income?
No, we always mamimiss.

Can I take your picture?
Coz i want to show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas!

Exam you?
Because I do want to take home income eh!

You lecture me?
Lab because income.

Centrum you?
Because You Complete Me!

Do we miss can be drivers?
For you to run my life.

Do you love sugar?
The sweetness because of the smile.

Pinaglihi you keyboard?
Because we type.

I hate to say this but ... You are like my underwear.
Coz i can not last a day without you!

Do you license me?
Coz you're driving me crazy eh.

Do you know who makes a watch?
I watch defective kidding .. because you love with me, I stop the time.

Serious comic I pick-up lines Noh? hahaha! Do you know anyone else? I think nothing eh.
Coz all I ever think of is you.

I'm a bee.
Can you be my honey?

Does not scary ghost?
But even more frightening when you lose in life.

Am I a bad shooter?
Coz i keep on missing you.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Oh I want to go through again?

Maybe you fast Noh puzzles?
Kakasimula just because of my day, but you formed immediately.

Excuse me .. Are you a dictionary?
Because you give meaning to my life.

Cliff you?

Love because I am immersed.

Dentures you?
Well, can not smile without you.

You tired Noh?
Kana day running as I thought eh.

I heart me hole?
Natrap because I'm in, can not find my way out!

What is your height?
Ha! How you settled in my heart.

Hey, did you fart?
Coz you blew me away!

Me "T" I.
For I'm always right next to "U"

Are you Jamaican?
Because Ja-maican me crazy!

We are not human .. We are not animals.
We THINGS. THINGS really are.

Favorite Subject you Geometry.
Angle because you anywhere you look nice eh!

Short Manny Pacquiao Joke

One day pakatapos take exam with best friend nya that Boboy:

Manny: how are you my exam.

Boboy: Nothing I have filled, I empty my paper. You?

Manny: Oh, my paper was also blank. Laogt, nagkopyahan teacher might say of us.

For the fan of Pacman: Peace of frends, fan (as in fan) I also Pacman. It is not for streakof what the name of the people's champ. Fun please.

Best of Breakup Letter

An OFW who are based in Saudi Arabia receive letter from the girlfriend in the Philippines. This is the content of the letter:

Dear Aramos,

I would like to inform you that I can not afford to continue this relationship. The distanceBetween us is just too great. Long distance love affair is not for me. I would admit thatdeceived thee twice and spoke relationship with another man while I do not have it. Iknew you was unfair, that's why I want to end this relationship. I do not want hurt yourfeelings anymore. I'm sorry.

PS. Please return the picture that I sent to you.

love,
Jennifer


Hurt our super hero, like humirit a reward for the last time. She Nangolekta pictures offellow women, pictures of sisters and ex-girlfriend of colleagues. She already collect 52pictures and sent the picture of Jennifer with the 52 pictures that kenolek. This is the content of the letter of Johny:

Dear Jennifer,

I'm so sorry, but I can not quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Aramos – The Lover Boy

How to fix OS issues

Here is an easy way to fix any Operating Systems (OS) issues.. Bet, you will find the tips highly helpful ;)

Problem Solving Flowsheet

The good way to solve the problems is via following the flowchart below

A Canadian Journal

August 12, 2009 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's beautiful here. Mountains are very spectacular. Covered with snow most of them can not wait to see them.

October 14 - Canada - it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have all colors and shades give a red or orange. Go for a ride through beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are very elegant. They are certainly the most wonderful animals on earth.This must be paradise. I love it here!

November 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can not imagine thepeople who want to kill such a gorgeous creature can. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F#cking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white ~love~ fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. ~censored~.

Dec. 25 - Merry F#cking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the ~censored~. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f#cking ice.

December 27 - More white ~love~ last night.. Every time it passes inside for three days now except for the snow plow shovel the driveway after that snow. You can not goanywhere, and that car is stuck in a pile of junk that has been badly so cold white.Weather is expected that another 10 inches of crap again tonight. Are you a full 10 inches of snow shovel Do you know what?

December 28 -  # That f#cking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of crap this time. This rate does not melt before summer. Snow plow is stuck to the road, came to my door ~ censored ~, and asked to borrow my shovel. After I've told him I already had broken six shovels shoveling out all the crap he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his f#cking head.

January 04 - The day finally came out of the house. Go to the store to get food, the deerran in front of the car on my way back to the damned. About $ 3,000 damage done to the car. These beasts should be killed.Those beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere.Wish the hunters had
exterminated them all last November.

May 03 - Took the car to the garage in town. This means that out, they will believe they put all the rust from the salt all over the road.


May 10 - Moved to Florida. Because I live in a God forsaken place like Canada can not imagine somebody insane!

How to Troll

Ha ha ha ha

No one teach you this, its an ART.

Ways to Come Home Drunk

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes
Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the *** and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" And she acts like she's
sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!