A Funny Telephone Conversation

The following is a telephone conversation between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye ..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I don't think so.'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad! ?'

G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

G : 'You're very welcome.'

How Technology Changed Our Lives

We all believe this is happening at our lives because of the technology we use .... 

In Prison Vs At Work

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .
AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..


IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviours.
AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behaviours with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..
AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet .
AT WORK
you have to share .

IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Hmmm?

Which Sounds Better?
So what are you waiting for.........


Go Kill Your Boss

Hilarious Naughty Questions and Answers

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
********************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Hilarious Jokes for Entertainment

Q. how did the blonde girl try to kill the bird?
A. she threw it off a cliff

- A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
FRRE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! so the guy asks the barteder what the test is.

bartender replies "well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. second, there's a gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with you bare hands. third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. you gotta make things right for her. "the guy says, " well , as much as i would love the free beer, i won't do it. you have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper taquila and then get crazier from there.

well, as time goas on and the man drinks a few, he asks, " wherez zat teegeelah?"

he grabs the gallon of teguilla white both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the mmost frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. the man stagger back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"now" he says "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

- a guy named benny is sitting in a bar mounthing off that he knows everybody. so his buddy bets 10$ the next peron to walk in the bar didn't know him.

somebody walks in the bar and says "hey benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. so they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says " hey benny how ar things going?"

flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the presedident. so they drive up to the white house and security gaurd says " benny you know you can't just show up here like this." then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "hey benny how have you been?"

so then he bets $1000 he doesn't know the pope. so they take a plane down to rome and he says "ok now watch up there on that balcony i'm gonna come out there with the pope." so he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. he goes down there and says "are you that suprised that i know the pope?" he goes "no somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with benny!"

- two guys in a bar are watching the TV. there is a news report about a man who treatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. one guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". the other guy takes the bet, and the guy on tv ends up jumping. the guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. the loser says "well i saw it too buy i didn't think he would jump again"

You can find some more hilarious funny jokes here 

Letter for Passport Renewal

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1987, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For goodness sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Julie Blank, my father's name is Chris and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this ~lol~! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal bottom workin' there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a ~love~ whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some bottom to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

Steve's Attorney and his Gambling Problem

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Steve. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Steve says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Steve removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Steve says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Steve isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Steve removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Steve's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Steve asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Steve stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Steve's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Steve told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."